I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
