i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
