Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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