I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
