oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
