Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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