he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
