I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
