Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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