i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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