Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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