Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
