sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
