Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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