He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
