I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
