Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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