JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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