Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
