Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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