Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
