I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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