an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
