Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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