Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just found puke in my bra..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
