the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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