Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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