Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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