update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
