Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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