I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
