you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
