Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
