I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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