he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
