I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
