i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
