I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
