She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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