I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
