I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
