Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
