I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
