Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
