I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
