Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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