Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I love having hate sex.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
