New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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