is wine microwaveable?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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