Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
