her vagine was all disorganized.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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